


Day In and Day Out

by glowystars325



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fix-It, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 21:46:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5801422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowystars325/pseuds/glowystars325
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Purgatory, Sam and Dean aren't what they used to be. When Sam starts acting weird, Dean takes his journal and finds out things he never wanted to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day In and Day Out

_ Sam breathed in Dean’s familiar scent when he bent his head down into his neck as he relished in the feeling of the comforting hug. Dean held him tightly, “I missed you too Sammy. fuck, I’m so glad to be back.” _ Tears pooled up in Sam’s hazel eyes as he thought of how much it hurts now. He turned his back on hunting and Dean would never forgive him for it. Sam tried, but he couldn’t do it without Dean. He at least hoped that Dean would take him back, but the older man pushed him away when he tried to kiss him.

“ _ What the fuck Sam?” Dean shoved him away harshly and wiped at his mouth, trying to rid himself of the feeling of his brother’s lips. “You don’t get to do that anymore. You made yourself pretty clear when you DIDN’T look for me. I’m with Benny now. You lost your chance.” _

Sam shook his head and tried to focus back on sharpening the knives. Dean was busy with Benny and he left Sam all alone. He looked at the sharpened edge and bit his lip. He was alone, he could get away with it. He fought the voice in his head saying that Dean would be hurt if he found out (He doesn’t give two shits about me anymore). Sam rolled his pant leg up and started slicing away at the scarred skin. Stress and hurt flowed from him as the blood rolled down the side and got into his black sock. Numbness started to take over the overwhelming sense of pain and heartache as he relished in the physical sensation. If a few tears escaped those puppy dog eyes, no one was around to say anything about it. He had everything expertly cleaned and hidden by the time Dean got back to the motel room after having gone for dinner. Sam wasn’t invited even if he was starving (which he was, but he wasn’t hungry).

He looked away when Benny leaned in and kissed Dean goodbye, he had other business to attend to. Sam still didn’t look up when the motel door shut. “Did you clean the weapons?” Sam nodded and continued to stare at the stained shag carpet, “Did you eat? Sorry I didn’t invite you, but I wanted some space.”

“It’s fine. I-I wasn’t hungry.”

Dean nodded, accepting the lies, and turned the tv on. Sam grabbed his pajamas and changed, he couldn’t stand the tension and decided that he was going to sleep through it.

A few days later, Benny was back. Dean had gone out to find some more info on their hunt when the vampire showed up. Sam hated it when he was alone with the vampire. “Hello Sam. Always a pleasure to see ya.”

“Too bad I can’t say the same for you,” Sam glared at the vampire.

Benny sneered and smacked the taller man across his face. “Watch your tongue, boy. You know how much Dean hates it when you’re rude to me.”

Sam’s temper flared and he punched the bastard square in the nose. Dean’s eyes widened as he saw his little brother punch Benny. “Are you okay Ben? Let me see your nose.” Benny shot the other hunter a look before turning around to face Dean.

“I should be fine. A bit of blood will fix me up right away. I’m just shocked at Sam’s hospitality.” Dean glared at his brother and Sam felt like throwing up the nothing in his stomach.

“We’re talking about this later. Just get out of my sight before I punch you too.” Sam nodded and grabbed his coat, biting back his tears as he ran out of the room. 

He found a secluded enough park bench and sat down with his head hanging between his hands. Sam took a few deep breaths as he wished an angel would take pity on him and smite him. Hell, he wasn’t picky, a demon could come up and rip his heart out. Sam would use his last breath to thank his killer. Somehow, he felt even more lonely than he did when he was all alone. At least then, he didn’t actually have people near him.

His stomach growled in pain and he figured that he needed to eat at some point. Sam pushed himself off of the bench and headed out to find a diner. He picked at a salad as he sat all alone in a crowd of people. Sam forced down half of it before giving up and throwing a few bills down on the table and leaving.

The Impala pulled up and the hunter debated the point of trying to hide. Sam ultimately decided to act like he didn’t see the car and turned away. Maybe he’d luck out and Dean wouldn’t notice him. He could go back to the motel and cut in privacy. “Sam! Get your overgrown ass over here.” Dean jogged over towards him and Sam could only stand there like an idiot, “What are you deaf? Why’d you walk away when you saw me? I tried calling you too, but you didn’t answer.” Sam mumbled a response under his breath, “Can you repeat that in English for me now?”

“I didn’t want to be yelled at.”  _ I really can’t handle it, _ “I’m sorry though.”  _ Can I go now so I can cut some more? _

“If you didn’t want to be yelled at, you shouldn’t have punched my boyfriend. I knew you were screwed up Sam, but I didn’t think you were one of those psycho ex’s. So do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on with you? Don’t lie.”

Sam sighed. he might as well say the truth even though he knew Dean wouldn’t believe him, “Benny hit me, so I hit back.”

Dean’s nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed, “Fine than, lie. I gave you a chance to tell you the truth. You know, it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. How could you hurt the guy that saved me from purgatory while you sat around playing house? He cares more than you do about my well being. You’re just the same snotty and whiney brat I had to raise.”

Sam nodded and turned away again as blood coated his tongue from biting his lip. He refused to cry in front of Dean. Maybe he should just go back to the room and put a bullet in his head. The pain would stop then. “Where are you going now?”

“Back to the room. I ate already.” Sam figured he didn’t need to mention the half of a salad part.

“So? Get a cup of coffee and actually act like my brother.” Dean grabbed his arm and lead Sam back into the diner.

“Hey sweetie! You change your mind about finishing your meal?” the blonde waitress asked Sam.

Dean shot him a look. “Yes he did.”

They were lead back to the table Sam was at and Dean ordered a bacon burger. He watched his brother like a hawk as he picked at the plate before him, “Eat your rabbit food before I shove it down your throat. What’s wrong with you anyways?”

Sam shook his head, “Tired.”  _ of everything _ .

Dean rolled his eyes and finished his food while Sam forced himself not to  gag on every bite. He didn’t have an eating disorder, he just couldn’t seem to make himself swallow when he was depressed. When they got back to the room, Sam waited for Dean to fall asleep before pulling out an old journal that was never used. He ran his fingers over the smooth cover before opening it and turning the first few pages. With a black ink pen in hand, he started to write his first suicide note.

**Dean,**

**I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay. Seeing you with Benny kills me. It should be me that you’re holding onto and smiling at. I miss you so much and it breaks my heart knowing you won’t ever love me again. Hell, you don’t even love me as a brother anymore. At best you tolerate me, but that’s just wishful thinking. I tried telling you that Benny hurts me, but you’ll never believe me. I’m done dealing with everything. Sorry I’m not strong enough to keep living. It’s not like you’d bother, but (just in case) don’t try to bring me back. Please remember that I still love you.**

**Sam**

Sam had tears in his eyes as he closed the journal and set it next to him. He quietly got out of bed and headed for the first aid kit. Overdosing on sleeping pills could work. Dean stirred in his sleep and Sam froze. Dean couldn’t find out until it was too late. He’d just make things worse between them while making it even harder for Sam to kill himself.  _ Or he’ll thank you and go back to sleep. _ The hunter bit his lip as a tear escaped from his watery eyes. Taking a deep breath, Sam opened the kit and fished out the nearly full container of sleeping pills. He took out 8 of the pills and swallowed them with a swig of whiskey. Sam put everything back in the same order it was in and crawled back into bed, tucking the journal under his pillow. He was too nervous to sleep, even as the drowsiness started taking over. He started feeling shaky and feverous. Sam did his best to ignore it until it was the hour mark and his guts churned. He ran to the bathroom, not caring how much noise he was making and started heaving violently.

Dean was startled awake by Sam’s ruckus and hopped out of bed when he heard Sam throwing up. “Need me to hold your hair back?” Sam gave him one of his patented bitch faces before vomiting again. Sam wanted to cry as he threw up. How was he supposed to die if he threw everything up? Dean sat next to him and rubbed Sam’s back as his little brother continued to dry heave, after everything was up. The comfort just made Sam feel worse and he winced when Dean rubbed one of the bruises Benny had given him. His brother noticed the movement and pulled the back of his shirt up. His eyes widened at the violent - almost hand sized - bruise. “Where did you get this? It looks pretty bad.”

“You won’t believe me anyways.” Sam mumbled out. 

“Try me.” Sam only shook his head and pushed himself up. dean rolled his eyes at his brother’s stubborn behavior and helped him up. “I’ll find out eventually, so you might as well tell me. Brush your teeth too.”

Sam quietly brushed his teeth and didn’t make a move to tell Dean that Benny liked hurting him. He knew Dean wouldn’t believe him and would call him a psycho ex again. “Are you really going to be that stubborn? If someone did this to you, then I need to kick their ass. No one gets to hurt my baby brother.”

_ Except you apparently. _ “It’s nothing. I-I fell and hit a park bench.”

Dean nodded and accepted the lie. He felt Sam’s forehead and frowned, “You’re burning up. Let’s get you in bed. You were fine earlier.” Sam didn’t say anything as he crawled into bed. He reached for Dean, but thought better and pulled his hands back. “Think it was the salad?”

Sam shrugged. Maybe he would still luck out and die in his sleep. “W-will you stay with m-me?” He was terrified of being rejected. 

Dean sighed and rubbed his forehead, “Only tonight and only because you’re sick. It doesn’t mean anything. Okay?”

Sam nodded, internally wanting to cry. Dean crawled into the bed and wrapped his arms around Sam’s warm body. He refused to admit it, but he missed holding Sam like this. He missed kissing his forehead and the way that he blushed when he told the man he was beautiful. He wanted to take Sam back, but he was still too hurt. Besides, he had Benny now. He ignored the fact that he slept better than he had since before Bobby died when he woke up the next morning. 

Sam woke to the feeling of crushing disappointment and a killer headache. He was exhausted and Dean was gone. He let out a soft whimper, despite him willing himself not to cry. His older brother was by his side in a minute and placed his hand on the clammy forehead.

“You okay? What’s wrong?” 

_ Besides the fact that I’m still alive?  _ “Head hurts,” Sam groaned out. Dean nodded and got him a painkiller and a glass of water. Sam accepted them gratefully and tried not to feel bitter about Dean not kissing him. The next day, he felt better. Dean had finished the hunt while Sam slept off his failed suicide attempt.

They were on the road again and Sam started writing in his journal. He figured he would just keep writing until he actually succeeded in offing himself. 

**Dean,**

**I’m sorry I can’t even kill myself right. I’ll take more pills next time and I promise not to throw them up. I’m sorry I asked you to comfort me when I don’t deserve it. I just miss you so much and cutting’s no longer filling the hole you left. While you were gone, I cried myself back to sleep. I couldn’t bring myself to cut even more when the other ones haven’t healed yet. I promise I’ll figure out a way to kill myself without you noticing. Maybe I should just put a bullet in my head and get it over with, but I don’t want to leave you another mess of mine that you have to clean up. Sorry I’m such a failure. I know I mean nothing to you, but you didn’t have to say it to me. I get that you’re never going to want me back. So can you please stop rubbing it in my face? I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.**

**Sam**

Sam closed the journal and tucked it back into his laptop bag. Dean looked over at him, “What were you writing about?”

“Nothing important,” Sam deflected. 

“I can guess until I get it right.” Dean pointed out, “Is it a diary? Spilling all your dirty little secrets? Love letters to celebrities?”

“It’s nothing. Just thoughts okay? Will you drop it?” Sam snapped.

“Fine. I’m just trying to make conversation. No need to be a bitch.”

Sam’s head fell, “I’m sorry. Just let me have this please?” He let out the air he was holding when Dean nodded.

 

~~~~

 

Dean knew that something was seriously wrong with Sam, but the stubborn bastard wouldn’t talk to him. He was always writing in that stupid diary and was overprotective of the thing. Not only was Dean dying to know what was in its pages, he knew that whatever was going on with Sam would be in those pages.

Sam was doing even worse, cutting almost everyday and he wrote at least a suicide note a day. Dean kept asking him about it, but what could he really say? His brother would put him in a mental ward before Sam could even get a word in edgewise. 

“What’s going on with you Sammy? Something’s off.” Dean asked for what seemed like the millionth time this month as he cleaned the guns.

Sam looked up from his writing and shrugged, “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“I’m calling bullshit. You’re off and it’s driving me crazy.”

_ Come up with something you idiot!  _ Sam cleared his throat, “I’m just still trying to get over you I guess. Sorry I don’t move on as easily as you can.”

“Sam,” Dean sighed. That wasn’t fair. He had his girl while Dean was stuck in Purgatory and he had no right to be upset over the fact that he moved on.

“Forget it. I’m going to shower.” Sam shut the journal and left it on his seat. He locked himself in the bathroom and waited until the shower was hot to step under the spray. He cried softly and ignored the familiar stinging sensation of water beating against fresh cuts. 

Dean wasn’t stupid. He knew what Sam sounded like when he was crying and he knew that he was trying to hide it. He practically raised the kid and could hear him crying no matter how well he tried to hide it.  _ That’s it. I’m reading that damn book whether he likes it or not.  _

Dean grabbed the brown journal off of the chair and left the motel with it tucked under his arm. he got in the Impala and drove off. If he was reading this, he was reading all of it and Sam wouldn’t stop him. He found a secluded parking lot a good couple miles away from the motel and put his baby in park. He grabbed the journal and opened it up, flipping through the first pages that were blank.  **Dean.** _ Okay, they’re meant for me. It’s okay if I read them. _

**Dean,**

**I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay. Seeing you with Benny kills me. It should be me that you’re holding onto and smiling at. I miss you so much and it breaks my heart knowing you won’t ever love me again. Hell, you don’t even love me as a brother anymore. At best you tolerate me, but that’s just wishful thinking. I tried telling you that Benny hurts me, but you’ll never believe me. I’m done dealing with everything. Sorry I’m not strong enough to keep living. It’s not like you’d bother, but (just in case) don’t try to bring me back. Please remember that I still love you.**

**Sam**

Dean’s heart dropped and his hands froze. Sammy wrote a suicide note? He continued reading, maybe his baby boy was over it now.

**Dean,**

**I’m sorry I can’t even kill myself right. I’ll take more pills next time and I promise not to throw them up. I’m sorry I asked you to comfort me when I don’t deserve it. I just miss you so much and cutting’s no longer filling the hole you left. While you were gone, I cried myself back to sleep. I couldn’t bring myself to cut even more when the other ones haven’t healed yet. I promise I’ll figure out a way to kill myself without you noticing. Maybe I should just put a bullet in my head and get it over with, but I don’t want to leave you another mess of mine that you have to clean up. Sorry I’m such a failure. I know I mean nothing to you, but you didn’t have to say it to me. I get that you’re never going to want me back. So can you please stop rubbing it in my face? I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.**

**Sam**

Dean wanted to throw up. Sam didn’t have food poisoning, he tried to overdose. Dean told him that comforting him meant nothing. He couldn’t believe he would hurt his baby that much. Sammy was cutting too? Dean thought he made it clear to Sam that he could always come to him if he was upset. Did that mean Benny was actually hurting Sam too? He didn’t want to continue if this is what was on the first page. What if it only got that much worse? Dean turned the page and kept reading.

**Dean,**

**I wanted to tell you the truth about the bruise, but I know it would’ve been pointless. I guess this is the best way to talk to you now. But, Benny did it. He’s always hitting and pushing me. I got tired of it and finally hit back, but you just told me that I’m a psycho ex. I promise not to fight back anymore. I want you to be happy, even if it’s killing me. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Benny will kill me, but knowing my luck, that’ll never happen. I’ve been praying to die for a while now. Maybe if Cas was still here he could smite me if I asked. I’m sure the angels would love to be rid of an abomination like me. Hell, even my heaven was fucked up. It’s probably because of the demon blood, but it wasn’t happy for me. Sure the memories were okay, but they definitely weren’t great. If I was supposed to be there, you would have always been there. Remember our first time? I do. It probably means nothing to you, but I’m glad I gave you my virginity. That’s probably one of my greatest memories. I remember the Christmas when I gave you the amulet Bobby gave to me to give to Dad. It hurt like Hell when you threw it away. I swear it was like you threw me away too. I know you probably don’t want it back, but it’s in the bottom of my duffle bag. Please don’t throw it away again. If you hate it (me) so much, then burn it with my body. We’ve been too busy lately, but I’ll get out of your life as soon as I can.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**You’re out with Benny again. He always hurts me when you aren’t there. I don’t know wich I hate more, you and him together or him alone. Either way I always end up in pain. I finally was able to cut again. I need to find a new place since my calfs are filled with scars. Maybe I can go to my thighs. Hell, with how little you look at me, I could get away with my wrists. I’ll save that for when I try slicing them open so I can bleed out. I’ll do it in the bathtub if we get a room with one soon. It’ll be easy to clean up the blood then. I still love you and want you back, even though I know it’ll never happen. I can’t move on from you. Every night I dream of you holding me and your beautiful green eyes. I dreamt of you even when I was with Amelia. I think she knew, but she understood.**

**Sam**

Dean had tears in his eyes. Benny was dead if he laid another finger on Sammy. His poor baby was suffering so much and he didn’t know what to do. His phone started ringing loudly, startling the hunter. He answered it without looking at who was calling, “This is Dean.”

“You took it didn’t you?” Sam’s voice yelled into his ear. “I-I can’t believe you.”

“Were you ever going to tell me that you’ve been planning on killing yourself?” Dean asked softly, “I was worried. I kept trying to get you to talk, but you refused. I couldn’t let you keep crying yourself to sleep and every time you shower.”

“I-I… How far did you get?” Sam asked softly.

“I’m on the fourth page. It’s hard to read.” Dean answered honestly, “I’m going to head back to the motel, okay?”

“Okay. I guess it’s too much to ask for you to stop reading it now.”

“Exactly. Please don’t hurt yourself. I’ll be there in two minutes.” Dean sped out of the parking lot, “Second thought, don’t hang up. Talk to me Sammy.”

He heard hitched breathing over the line, “You-you haven’t called me Sammy in months. Last time you used it, fuck, it hurt. I miss being Sammy.”

“I’m so sorry. I’ll call you Sammy till you can’t stand the name anymore. Even then, you’ll still be my Sammy. I’m so sorry I used it to hurt you. I was upset. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I already did. I can’t stay mad at you.” 

“I really fucked up. I’m so sorry. I’m leaving Benny. No one can hurt you and get away with it. I hate myself for not listening to you. I’m almost there. Why don’t you lay down on the bed for me and you can be in my arms while I finish the journal. I know I don’t get to ask this, but if you’re willing, can I have the amulet back? I regretted throwing it away, but I was to proud to apologize to you.”

“Promise not to throw it away again or let anyone take it? I-I can’t handle it again if you did.” Sam sounded terrified. Dean pulled up outside of the room and rushed back in with the diary. Sam heard the Impala and was still shocked when Dean came running through the door. 

Dean hung up his phone and sat next to Sam on the bed, “I promise baby. I’m so sorry.” He wrapped his little brother up in his arms and held him tightly. Dean needed to reassure himself that Sam was still with him. 

“It’s in my bag. There’s a little compartment in the bottom. Do you want me to get it?”

“I’ll grab it baby. Don’t move. Here,” Dean handed him the journal and went to get his necklace back. He dug threw the bag and found the amulet, quickly putting it back on. He didn’t bother picking up the mess and sat back down next to his Sammy.

“Do you really need to finish reading this?” Dean nodded and took it from Sam.

“Every last word.” Dean wrapped one arm around Sam’s form and opened the journal back to where he left off.

**Dean,**

**I miss you so much it fucking hurts. I can’t stop thinking about how you pushed me away the last time I kissed you. I’m sorry that I assumed you would want me back. It was stupid of me. It feels like you barely tolerate me anymore. I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**Why can’t you love me? Why am I not good enough? I’ve never been good enough. You probably hated me from the start and couldn’t wait to get rid of me. Did you ever really love me? We’re out of painkillers. When we get more, I’ll try to overdose again.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**I miss you.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**I wonder if things would be different if Bobby was still around. He probably would have found you and we would be happy together again. He would call us idjits and I would have never wanted to die. Benny wouldn’t hurt me and you would only love me and pie and Baby. I guess daydreaming does no good. Nothing will change until I die. I still love you.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**You keep asking me what I’m writing about, please stop. You’ll find out when I’m finally dead. Please don’t bring me back. I deserve to go back to Hell. That’s where suicides go right? Heaven or Hell, it’ll still be awful for me. If it wasn’t for Amelia, I would be dead by now. I was so broken when you were gone. I tried to continue hunting, but it wasn’t the same without you. I was trying to kill myself in a car crash and hit Jet. She guilt tripped me into keeping the dog and he helped me. I got a job at the motel. It gave me a new purpose and I had something to live for. I’m sorry I didn’t look for you. I know you’ll never forgive me for it. Do you think it’d be too much to ask for if I wanted one last kiss? Probably. I’ll die without getting my dying wish. Not like I deserve it anyways.**

**Sam**

Dean had to stop reading as he tears spilled from his eyes. He placed a kiss on Sam’s head. “I’m so sorry baby. How many more are there?”

“I’m not sure. Stop pease. It only gets worse.” Sam begged. There were things that Dean wouldn’t take well at all. 

“I-I can’t. I need to know.” Dean placed a kiss on Sam’s lips, “I need to make everything better. I need to make you happy again.”

Sam sighed, knowing he wouldn’t win, “Okay, but you really won’t like it.”

“What of this would I like? I think knowing you wanted to die is worse than all 40 years in Hell and my year in purgatory combined.” 

_ It gets so much worse. I don’t want you to know everything in there.  _ “Okay.” Dean kissed him again and went back to the journal.

**Dean**

**Why does Benny hate me so much? Did you tell him to be this cruel? Is it a vampire thing? Who knows, but it hurts like hell. I stopped fighting back like I promised. I won’t hit your precious Benny again. I think he knows that too because he’s been rougher lately. His hits are getting stronger and you never seem to notice. Please make him stop. I’m getting scared. He probably won’t even kill me. I’m not that lucky. Sorry I still haven’t killed myself yet. I can’t seem to do anything right.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**I miss Amelia. I miss Bobby. I miss Jess. I miss Cas. I miss you. I miss Dad. This is too hard. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay. Please kill me.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**Benny drank from me today. He said that you didn’t care about me anymore and gave him permission to continue doing it to me. I feel betrayed. You wouldn’t do that to me. Would you? I know you hate me, but you wouldn’t hand me over to a vampire to use as food. I’m going to try to overdose again. Please don’t bring me back if I succeed.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**It didn’t work. This time, you weren’t even around to comfort me. I’m sorry I’m such a failure. I’m surprised you haven’t just ditched me yet. You probably will soon though. At least that’s what Benny tells me. I’m almost out of room on my thighs for cutting. I think I might do my upper arms next. Maybe my hips. Hopefully I’ll be dead by then. But knowing how big of a screw up I am, it probably won’t happen. I’m sorry I can’t kill myself off for you.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**Why did you ever sell your soul for me? I should have stayed dead and everything would be better now. Dad would probably still be alive. I wish I was dead.**

**Sam**

 

**Dean,**

**I miss you calling me Sammy. Can I please be your Sammy again?**

**Sammy**

The younger hunter looked at the note and froze. He knew what was next. “Can we stop for tonight? Please? I’m tired.”

Dean kissed his forehead, “I can’t sleep yet. Probably won’t be able to for awhile.You can fall asleep on me. I don’t mind.”

Sam dug around for another excuse, “But you need to sleep too. Besides, your snoring is comforting. Please?”

“I’ll join you when I’m finished. How many more notes are there?”

“Five. Dean, you really need to stop reading. Y-you really won’t like what you’re going to read. Please listen to me.”

“I’ll be okay Sammy. Just relax. Close your eyes and I’ll be done soon.” Sam leaned into the kiss and Dean ran his fingers through the long dark hair.

**Dean,**

**He raped me. He fucking raped me and you weren’t around to save me. I broke my promise and I fought back. It didn’t do me any good. How can you be with this monster? He fed from me after and laughed when I cried. You’ll never want me back now. I’m dirty and used. I’ll never be good enough for you now. I can’t live with myself anymore. I’m sorry I  fought back Dean. I know that makes me a psycho ex, but I was so scared. I didn’t want him. He said it was payback for leaving you to rot in purgatory. I guess I deserve it then. I hope it’ll never happen again. Why didn’t he just snap my neck before he did it. It hurts so much. Someone please kill me.**

**Sam**

Bile raised in his throat as he looked at his baby brother, “I told you to stop reading.” Dean ignored him and flipped to the last entry.

**Dean,**

**I’m putting a bullet in my head tonight. Sorry if I leave a mess. I ju**

“Is this the one you were writing before the shower?” Sam nodded. “Benny touched you?” another nod, “He fed from you?” a small nod was his answer, “How many times?”

“He only raped me once, he fed from me five times,” Sam’s voice was so small. It broke Dean’s heart.

“I’m not even going to give the bastard a chance to explain himself. His head will roll. But right now, I want to wash you. I’m going to remove every trace of him from your body and replace it with me. You’re mine and no one gets to touch you unless you want it. Are you okay with me showering with you baby?”

“I’m disgusting though. You won’t ever want to look at me again.” Sam craved Dean’s affection, but he knew he wouldn’t ever want to touch him again.

“Never baby. You’re my Sammy and I’ll alway want you. I’ve missed this so fucking much, but I was too big of an idiot to try and fix things. I’m so sorry I pushed you to this baby.” Dean had tears in his eyes as he pressed a hard kiss to Sam’s forehead.

“It’s okay. Please don’t be mad though.” sam took a deep breath and got up off the bed, taking Dean with him. The motel had a decent enough sized shower bath and Sam took another calming breath. 

Dean stood up on his toes and kissed Sam’s cheek, “Do you want to be in the bath alone or do you want me to shower with you? You’re in charge and if you get uncomfortable, let me know so I can fix it.”

“W-will you sh-shower with me?” Sam looked so scared of being rejected as his head was hung low.

“Of course baby. Anything you want. Is it okay if I undress you now?” Dean asked softly as he rubbed Sam’s back. He was answered with a nod and he made quick work with the clothes. He bit his cheek to keep from crying when he saw his baby boy, “Can I undress now?”

“Yes. I know I’m ugly now.” Sam’s arms tried to cover the newer scars on his hips and the healing ones on his thighs.

Dean stopped undressing and looked Sam right in the eye, “Don’t say that. You’re beautiful no matter what. You’re my Sammy and my Sammy is the most gorgeous human being on this planet. Okay?”

“I’m nothing compared to you.”

“That’s because you’re a hundred times better.” Dean finished stripping and started the water. As they waited the normal three minutes for it to warm up, Dean pulled Sam into his arms, “You’re incredible. From your girly hair to your sasquatch sized feet.” Sam leaned into him and accepted the compliments Dean gave him. When they got in the shower, Sam was showered with affection as Dean carefully washed his body, constantly checking in on his well being. 

It was really turning Sam on and there was only a few places left for Dean to wash. “Please Dean.”

“What is it baby boy?” Dean asked with a smirk. He knew that Sam was turned on and his cock was starting to take notice.

“Stop teasing. Please. F-finger me.”

“Then let’s get out cause I’m not doing it without a shit ton of lube.” Sam keened and whined as Dean quickly finished washing his cock, giving it a few extra tugs for good measure.

They barely dried off, skin was still damp when they crashed on the bed, Dean attacked Sam’s mouth. “You promised to finger fuck me. Please.”

“Just a minute baby. Spread your legs for me so I can see you across the room.”

Sam whined and spread his knees apart, and held them in place. Dean groaned at the sight and quickly grabbed the almost full bottle of lube from his duffel bag and ran back. He coated his fingers generously in lube and teased Sam’s puckered hole until he complained about Dean being a cock tease. He slipped the finger in and kissed Sam’s tan neck. 

He ignored his own achingly hard cock as he focused solely on making Sam come apart. He wouldn’t fuck his baby tonight; he wanted to work back up to that and prove to sam that he loved him still. The noises his brother was making were pornographic and made Dean groan as he sucked on his long and slightly thin cock. His brother may be slightly longer than him, but Dean was at least a good inch wider. It seemed fitting that their dicks would match their size.

“I’m gonna... cum De’,” Sam moaned out as he pulled on his short strands of hair. Dean only took his brother’s length further down and started deep throating him until he came. He ignored the bitter taste as he came in his mouth, screaming Dean’s name. The older man made quick work of his hard on and came in his hand as he suckled Sam through the aftershocks of his orgasm. He wiped his hand off on the covers and maneuvered them both under the blankets.

As they drifted off to sleep, Dean knew that things weren’t going to be perfect, but damn he was going to try. He’d be the best partner Sam could have and figure out a way to make the past few months up to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! Find me on tumblr at glowystars325.tumblr.com and send me prompts. :D


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